Saturday, September 11, 2010

Checkmate (a short story by R. L. Schaeffer)

The air was getting stale. A taste, like a disgusting amalgamation of pennies and mint, clung to the roof of his mouth. He yawned once more, longer this time, then reached for the wooden Knight on the chessboard.


“I’m pretty sure I’ve got you in two, maybe three, more moves,” he said as he slid the piece in it’s designated path, taking the Pawn that was in the square his Knight now stood and placing it with the rest of his opponent’s captured pieces.

“I don’t think I’ll be here that long, Thomas.”

Tom looked up from the board at the man sitting across from him. He looked…older…somehow. Just a moment ago, Tom could have sworn, the man didn’t have any facial hair and now he was sitting there with a full 5-o’clock shadow. Tom tilted his head in slight confusion and opened his mouth to ask one of the several questions that ran through his mind.

Instead, he looked back down at the board and said, simply, “Your move, pal.”

“Thomas, listen to me. I’m running out of time.”

“Damn right you are,” Tom said. “If you don’t make your move soon, you’ll forfeit it and I’ll have you in…two moves…at least.”

He paused for a second, his left hand coming up to scratch nervously at the back nape of his neck.

“And stop calling me Thomas.”

The man across the board sighed and, slowly, his hand came up and gripped his own Knight, lifting it and then replacing it on a different square, before pulling his hand away. Tom watched the whole thing, a grin crawling onto his face as his opponent’s fingers pulled away from the board, before he clapped once and belted out a single ha.

“You’re getting sloppy, pal!”

“It’s not me that’s getting sloppy, Thomas. You need to listen to me now.”

Tom’s next move took his opponent’s Knight. Placing it with the others on the side of the board, he said, “What I need to do is tell you, Check. Your move.”

“Thomas…”

“Your move.”

“Thomas.”

Tom’s head snapped up and he snarled across the table. “I said your move!”

But the man just looked at him, not moving. Tom was about to yell again, but something stopped him. His opponent’s stubble was now a full-fledged beard, spotted with large patches of white. And the skin around his eyes—blue, like Tom’s—was bunched up at the corners like the fabric of an open curtain. No, it wasn’t just that…the man, as a whole, looked…older.

“You been skipping rations, pal?”

“Thomas,” said the man, his gaunt face twisting in what looked like pain, “you know that’s not it.”

“Stop calling me that!” Tom made an angry swipe that cleared the chessboard, the pieces flying like wooden shrapnel. “Fuck it! You were going to lose any damn way!”

“You need to listen to me,” said the gaunt man. “Time is…well…almost up.”

Tom’s shout of anger was stopped in his throat as he suddenly yawned; this one so long and wide that it popped his jaw and made his eyes water. When it passed, he wiped the tears from his face and, when his vision cleared, he was stunned into silence. The man sitting across from him was now hunched over and his clothes—the same gray jumpsuit that Tom wore—hung off him. His beard had doubled in length and was now all white and the skin around his eyes was more than just crow’s feet.

When he spoke, the man’s voice seemed little more than a whisper. “You have to stop this, Thomas. You know what comes next and you can’t avoid it any longer. You’ve run out of time.”

“No,” Tom barked. “You’re wrong!”

But, even as he said it, he knew he was lying. The air in the room seemed heavier and he could taste more copper than mint with every yawn; which were growing in frequency. He lurched suddenly to his feet and went over to busy himself with picking up the chess pieces.

“Thomas,” came the wispy voice of the old man. “Thomas, please. You promised.”

“No,” Tom as he stood, his hands full of wooden pieces. He looked down to avoid meeting the older man’s eyes and stopped dead in his tracks. Something about the way the pieces were arranged in his hand—the Knight’s curved horse-head resting neatly in his palm, while the straight, capped end of a Rook jutted out from above his index finger.

“Focus, Thomas,” said the old man. “See it.”

Tom shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He desperately fought the urge to yawn again. “No. There’s still time for one more game…”

“You promised.”

“No.”

“Please, Thomas.”

The man’s voice seemed far away and Tom opened his eyes to see where he’d moved to. He slowly looked up and surveyed the room. It was empty. The small bench-like table jutted out from the bulkhead and both of the stools on either side stood vacant. He turned in a small circle and checked for the old man among the various pieces of furniture built into the cabin and small wardrobe which stood open, showing only several more of the jumpsuits hanging still within.

“No,” he said quietly. “I’m not ready.”

A small hissing sound drew his attention to the hatch on his left. The thick metal door was securely in place, locked magnetically into its tracks. The hiss came from a hair-like crack in the square port in the upper portion of the hatch. Suddenly he was acutely aware of the coppery mint taste again and he looked down at his hand once more.

“You promised,” he heard the old man’s whisper. Only, this time, it came from his own lips.

Clutched in the fingers of his right hand was not a collection of spilled chess pieces. Instead, he gripped the handle of his sidearm.

“But, I’m not ready.”

Tom looked up once more, this time toward the opposite side of the room from the table and stools; to the personal computer station for this cabin. The monitor was still on and its screen displayed several windows of information. The first one he noticed was his personal log and, even though he couldn’t read the small print from here, he knew what it said. He’d typed it two days ago, before he’d started the series of chess games with the old man.

It detailed the accident. Gave a report of how they’d come out of Hyper because of a mass shadow and, before they could adjust course, the ship slammed bow-first into an asteroid nearly half-again the size of the ship. How only a third of the ship’s small crew survived the initial crash, another several dying of injuries sustained therein over the following week. How the next several weeks and the damage to the engines—primarily the leak in the coolant lines—thinned them down to just two men, and then, just to him. He told of how he’d been driven slowly further and further into the ship, locking off room after room to avoid the deadly gas that was filling the decks, but the damage to the interior of the ship was so random, so…unpredictable…that it was nearly impossible to keep the leak contained.

And here he was, nearly two months from the crash, locked into this cabin for the last three days. At first he hadn’t even known there was a crack in the hatch’s viewport, it had probably been the result of a design flaw which caused a failure in the housing when they’d slammed into the asteroid. Nothing to worry about…until your ship fills with reactor coolant and the pressure builds to a point in which it starts finding paths of least resistance. A popped seal becomes a hairline fracture, which becomes a full on crack, which begins to spider-web until, eventually the port explodes inward, filling the small cabin with a gas that causes a slow and painful death. There was a reason most modern freighters avoided using this type of engine system anymore.

“You promised,” the old man said through his mouth again. “You promised it wouldn’t come to that. That you would do for us what you did for the others.”

“But I’m not ready…”

Suddenly, Tom’s attention snapped back to the window when the small hissing was accented by a small popping sound. His eyes quickly found the small crack in the bottom left corner as it began to crawl upward toward the center in leaps of a few millimeters at a time. After a few seconds another pop was heard and the one crack became two, each going in separate directions. Then another pop and another, and suddenly two cracks were four. Pop…pop…pop-pop-pop…

Tom looked down at the pistol in his hand, lifted it up to allow the cabin’s overhead lighting to illuminate every detail. He read the block-lettered words laser-etched into the slide: KNIGHT ARMS .45. It was the standard side-arm issued to employees of Roe & Ryder Deep Space Freight; a small, 45-callibor weapon given with the intent for use to protect cargo. Up until a few weeks ago, he’d never even fired his.

The popping sounds blended together and eased into a constant moaning of stress. Tom’s thumb settled on the hammer at the back of the slide—he’d kept one round chambered at all times since that first shot—and clicked it back into place. He looked up at the window, the crack now spread across the entire square of glass, giving the appearance of a spider’s web.

He raised the gun and pressed the barrel’s opening to his temple. The metal was surprisingly cool.

“Check,” said the old man.

The window gave one final pop then exploded inward in a hailstorm of finger-thick shards. The force from the blast pushed the hair on Tom’s head out of his face. He could taste nothing but copper now.

“Mate,” replied Tom.

He then squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the trigger.





The End...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Neomyn Pages!

Hey, guys!
This is going to be simple. The following are the first three pages of Neomyn; the comic I've been working on for some time. Give 'em a once-over and let me know what you think.
The story was conveived, written, and the pages were lettered by me.
The lineart was done by Greg Woronchak. A fantastic artist and an all-around nice guy!
And the vibrant colors were done by Ruthie Collins. An old friend and brilliant artist herself.
The pages are in order below from 1 to 3 and formatted to the specifics of Zuda's guidelines, as they are going to be submitted when Ruthie finishes the remaining 5 pages of the 8-page submission.
Enjoy!

































Sunday, May 9, 2010

Reaching for Awesomeness

Happy Mother's Day, peeps! Well, y'know...to those of you who are mothers, that is.

Anyway, I thoughts I'd drop a little review or two on y'all on this fine, now-sunny, Sunday afternoon. Okay, so, after the trouble I went through to get my twitchy little mitts on my copy of Halo 3: ODST--having left it in Texas with my future brother-in-law several months ago--I was finally able to drop (see what I did there? Eh? Aw, forget it.) into the Halo: Reach Beta this weekend.

First thing's first, I am a huge fan of the Halo universe. I've read almost all of the books (those written by Nylund and the one in between, anyway) and absorbed any other media related to the world in which Master Chief routinely lays the proverbial smack down. This ride through Bungie's world has been anything but smooth, mind you, but in those turbulent times I've clung to whatever bits off awesome I could gain purchase on and ridden out the storm. That is to say, I dug deep and found reasons to actually like Halo 3; at least enough to help ease the wait for ODST (the best in the series since Combat Evolved, thus far).

So, needless to say, I was damned excited when Reach was announced. As well as a little tentative in respects to the inevitable multiplayer mode--we knew it was coming, it's the legacy that started Xbox Live's reign as ruler of the Console Online Realm. Yet, the last iteration of this particularly tasty morsel of social gaming goodness had left me with a fairly sour aftertaste. Simply put, Halo 2's initially strong start fizzled at first and then practically winked out when Halo 3 dropped. Sure, there were some cool features--I absolutely love the Theater, but we'll discuss that further below--but, really, they'd deluded more of the awesome than bolstering it and this fact made tolerating the increasingly rampant swarm of immature racists that make up the "players" of this game completely pointless. Especially when there were games like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare--a game where shooting someone's face off did not automatically warrant slandering their mother and dipping your digital testicles in their pixelated mouth--around to satiate my need for Social Murder.

But I digress...

With a cautious excitement, I sat down and prepared to dip my toes in a pond I'd long-since believed stagnated. And, I'm here to say that I have emerged refreshed and ready and anxious to explore every crevice in the unknown depths that await me in June. I am, once more, a Halo Multiplayer fan!

Right from the start, I could see that Bungie is aiming for a complete overhaul of their game. For starters, the matchmaking is vastly improved with what appears to be an outward desire to please the various types of people who seek to pit their skills against thousands of like-minded people. This is evidenced in the ability to filter your matchmaking, setting the engine to look for people who are "Quiet" or like to be "Team Players." Conversely, you can set it up to look for people who are "Rowdy" and play the ol' "Lone Wolf" if that's the kind of foul-mouthed, trashtalking evening you have planned.

As to the game, there are all kinds of goodies here to explore. You have nearly complete customization of your character, albeit with limited choices. This is enough to help you distinguish you from the other guy in the yellow Mark VI armor. These customization options revolved around a credits system which works like experience points. The better you do, the higher your level climbs, the more credits you earn to buy that fancy new helmet visor. Which leads me to my favorite change...the ranking system.

Unlike in Halo 3, you can get your armored arse kicked and still feel like the match was worth playing. Granted, if you were on the opposite side of that whoopin' you'd be rewarded better, but you aren't going to be a Private forever just because you've had a handful of bad games. I agree with rewarding "better" performances accordingly, but I'm a bigger fan of thanking people for buying your product and continuing to come back and get teabagged night after night.

The weapons in Reach are a mixture of slightly-different to completely new. Old faves like the Assault Rifle and Shotgun return but have been tweaked enough to feel fresh and relevant again, while the grenade launcher and Needle Rifle are something completely different while still maintaining a feeling of belonging. Along with the tweak in weapons, I am a huge fan of the "Armor Abilities". These are attached to specific loadouts and each puts a new spin on the same game. With abilities like the Jet Pack and Sprint a game of Slayer feels totally different than the same game played with Active Camo (found on the Recon loadout, I believe) and the overshield ability (for which I can't remember the name). With a simple tap of the left bumper, your character can launch into the air, fade into the background or become an invincible...uh...rock--you can't move while your overshield power is active, but rockets and weapons fire is deflected so, if timed right, you can instantly turn your opponent's attack back on himself.

The most welcome change, though, is the fact that your health doesn't automatically regenerate (with the exception of the Elites but I'm pretty sure they have disadvantages that balance that). This means that when I unload into an enemy he can't duck behind a wall and pop back out as if nothing had happened except the emptying of my magazine. There are health packs that refill your players, uh, health...but these are items they have to acquire rather than simply have happen. This makes the game feel more balanced and fair; if you're a terrible shot and you've spent a magazine to lower your opponent's health, your effort isn't laughed at when he turns around and plugs you in the face.

As I said, earlier, the Theater feature has returned. Now, if you've played Halo 3 or ODST, you're familiar with this. However, if you haven't, the Theater is a feature that allows you to playback previous games, allowing you to take control of a free-floating camera so that you can view that wicked assassination from as many angles as possible. Then you can cut out clips--or take screenshots--and upload them to Bungie's File Share for the whole world to view. Aside from the obvious gloating purposes, I find this feature incredibly cool because it shows Bungie's devotion to their fans, especially those who make Machinema.

That's pretty much all I have for now. I'll review the various gametypes specifically later on, when I've had more time with them. But, for now, I'm running out of time.

I did, however, want to take a second to mention that this is Jennifer's first Mother's Day in which she deserves to be honored. She's still pregnant, but I believe that she is going to make a fantastic mother to our baby boy and thoroughly look forward to this day next year, when I can reward her for efforts that I know will be worthy of praise. I love her and Rowan dearly and cherish the family we are building.

So, if you know her, wish her a Happy Mother's Day...if you don't...uh, well, don't be creepy.

Have a fantastic day!

Later!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Ageless Superspies

Hey, guys!

Okay, first thing's firt, if you don't know about Condition 2 Productions hop on over here to learn more!

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about something with a little more Conviction! Hahaha! See what I did there...no? Anyway, as the bad joke suggests, I've recently been playing Spinter Cell: Conviction (that's Tom Clancy's Splinter...oh that is just too much to say). And I have to say, aside from my shared opinions on certain aspects of the game, I am digging it quite a bit. Now, as always, that's not to say it's not without flaws in both gameplay design and story elements, though, as a complete package, I am finding it head-and-goggles better than Ubisoft's last itteration.

To be fair, Double Agent started off really well, and actually had some solid ideas and a potentially decent story. But, in the end, the game was ripped apart by its own convolution; the player was bogged down by continuously conflicting objectives to the point where trying to maintain the right balance was simply no longer fun. Conviction doesn't suffer from this problem; the story is all Sam-kicking-ass all the time. It's not a perfect story, to be sure, but it's far more entertaining when you're playing a guy who doesn't have to worry about who he needs to please and how much. It's pretty straightforward: complete your mission and kill any mouthy asshole who gets in your way.

As far as gameplay goes, Ubisoft has pretty much stripped Sam's world down to the bone and started rebuilding it. I stress rebuilding here because it really felt that this outing was more of a pilot episode for a relaunch of the franchise than an actual sequel of sorts. Ubi has obviously decided to go in a completely different direction--reimagining the steal shooter--and, to me at least, Conviction came off as a kind of "test run" rather than the next installment in the series. Backing up my theory is the fact that Sam's part of the game (the main story, if you will) is extremely short--it took me roughly 5-6 hours to complete--and, though it doesn't feel rushed and there is definately a complete story, it's fairly obvious that we haven't seen the last of Sam Fisher. The actual meat of the game, however, can be broken down into three things: Mark & Execute, Projection Tech, and the P.E.C. Challenges.

Mark & Execute is pretty much what it sounds like. The player is able to "mark" a number of enemies (depending on the weapon, that number varies) and, after performing a Hand-to-Hand Takedown (if you can't figure out what this is, I can't help you) Sam is then able to swiftly and silently "execute" those unsuspecting foes the player marked. It's a little different at first, but is easily mastered and, during later parts of the game where things like the Sonar Goggles (Sam's new toy) come into play, is quite possibly the most fun I've had in a game like this in a long time. I often found myself happy I died in an area simply for the chance to re-do one of my previous M&E moments!

The Projection Tech isn't really part of the gameplay, per se. It's more like Ubisoft's new, and interesting, way of displaying Sam's objectives--and sometimes even his thoughts and/or memories--in the gameworld without disrupting the flow of gameplay. They even go so far as to allow you to project your objective at will; a simple press of the Back Button will cast glowing white words at Sam's feet.

The P.E.C. (which stood for Persistant Elite Creation in Rainbow Six Vegas 2) is a series of challenges given to the player--which can be accessed either through the main menu or the pause screen in-game--which offer up varying amounts of points upon completion. You can then take these points and spend them on things like weapon and gadget upgrades (granting things like extra Marks on certain weapons) as well as new "uniforms" for multiplayer and their subsequent upgrades. A good deal of these challenges will be obtained throughout a normal playthrough and I think this was done so that casual players could upgrade weapons without setting specific goals for themselves to complete, thus, possibly, degrading the imersion factor. That said, I personally think the P.E.C. is a fantastic way to get more bang for your buck on such a short game.

Like I said, the game is short. But, for me, the fun didn't stop at the single player game. There is so much more offered in the multiplayer modes and I will have more on those later on. For now, I have to be going.

See you in the shadows...or will I?

--Ray

Monday, March 22, 2010

Paper-Folding Killers and Klingons

Hey, guys!

Well, I can’t say I’ve been all that busy lately. Truth be told, aside from a few small projects—and one major, ball-is-rolling-this-is-going-to-happen project—I really haven’t been doing the creative thing much. That is to say, I’ve been gaming, heh. Now, before you get to thinkin’ that I’ve been just lazin’ about; let me explain a few things!

First, Neomyn is still very much alive. In fact, it’s more so than it has been to date. When my computer crashed a few months ago (a problem that has recently been remedied, thank you H&R Block) I had decided to take action to keep my creative baby in the air. With this goal in mind, I contacted my friend Ruthie Collins and contracted her services as an exceptional artist to take on the rolls of coloring. Now, as I’d explained in previous posts, Ruthie is a mother and has had to juggle the daunting task of coloring Mr. Woronchak’s lineart with the tasks one associates with motherhood; as well as teaching an art class, if I’m not mistaken. That said, she has had a bit of a slow going getting the pages colored and has, thus far, finished two. But, let me say this, those two pages are mind-blowingly awesome in their quality! I’m really hoping she can replace the stylus for her tablet soon so that I can finish lettering these pages and get them submitted finally.

I’ve no doubt we’re going to at least place in the top 5 for the month we compete.

As for the “Super Huge Mega Awesome Project” I mentioned above…

I’ll have more on that when we are further along and ready to share the monster we are creating. Also, when we have an official name for who “we” are, heh…

Now, on to gaming!

Roughly five years ago I had taken my first real step into the Adventure genre of gaming with a unique and admittedly bizarre game called Indigo Prophecy on the Playstation 2. Developed by Quantic Dream and originally released as Fahrenheit (the name was changed for the United States and Canada releases to avoid confrontation over similarities to Fahrenheit 9/11), Indigo Prophecy was the tale of a series of murders plaguing New York and the people who are unavoidably pulled toward each other as the story unfolds. If this sounds familiar, that’s because I’ve used a similar description when discussing my anticipation for Heavy Rain; Quantic Dream’s latest effort to change the adventure genre and, I dare say, the gaming experience as a whole.

Now, right away I should point out that it is relatively difficult to properly categorize Heavy Rain as a game. Hell, it’s hard to call it a game at all. In truth, Heavy Rain is closer to an interactive movie than a video game and is, in fact, touted as such by the developers themselves. The fact that you—the “player”—are using your DualShock 3 controller as the tool for which you weave the lives of four strangers together lends little, if any, credence to Heavy Rain being a game. Yes, it is sold as a game, but, really, I think this is only because your local WalMart’s electronics section doesn’t have a shelf for “Interactive Drama.”

Yet.

Okay, semantics aside, Heavy Rain really is unlike anything I’ve ever played before. There are comparisons to Indigo, sure, but that’s more like pointing out things that you can tell grew into the mechanics you are using now. The “control scheme” employed herein is something of an artistic expression of what it would be like to map human actions to a series of analogue sticks and button presses. I mean, strictly speaking, it is quite simply the best all-around use of the DualShock’s SixAxis controls I’ve fumbled with to date. Quantic Dream doesn’t just shove motion control into their game for the novelty of, well, shoving motion control into their game. What they’ve done is take specific actions—such as striking or putting out a match—and assign motion controls to them so that you actually feel like you’re performing the very thing your character is doing! Yes, I am aware that Nintendo has been doing this for quite some time and, in fact, has built a tiny little empire out of doing it well. But, with Heavy Rain, the designers utilize the motion controls as a tool for putting you into their story, not a gimmick (albeit a good one) for selling consoles.

Oh, and the story! I’ve only played through Heavy Rain once so far and, thus, only experienced one of the many versions of Quantic Dreams’ gritty opus. However, that one time was enough for me to sit here and type this without pause…Heavy Rain has some of the best writing I’ve ever seen in a video game. Especially one of this nature; that is to say, a story that revolves around real people doing real things (and, make no mistake, the first hour or so of gameplay is almost oversaturated with “real”) and not some space marine blowing the head off of the galaxy’s latest threat. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy saving the galaxy on a regular basis, but, sometimes, I like to be reminded that real life can be just as rewardingly dramatic.

Though, if you’re a father, as I am, the aforementioned drama in Heavy Rain can be a bit…uh…heavy.

On top of solving the case of the Origami Killer (of which there are a multitude of possible outcomes, I’m lead to believe), I have also spent some time boldly going where no man has gone before. Well, that is, no man without a decent computer and a subscription key. Yes, I have recently fully re-embraced my inner Trekker—that’s with an “er” not an “ie,” got it?—and started an account in Star Trek Online. With Bean on the way and the very real possibility that I will not be able to purchase every new game that drops, I had decided to enlist in a new MMO and, though I’d originally set out to play EVE, it was Star Trek’s ridiculous customization and mixture of space and ground combat that won in the end.

Now, before I get going here, let me get some of the standards out of the way. Star Trek Online is not a perfect game. It’s a new MMORPG and, as such, is absolutely going to have its fair share of bugs. These games are designed to be played for a long time and, as such an endeavor would almost assuredly need, will take some time for Cryptic to iron out the kinks. But, enough about what STO isn’t. Let’s talk about what it is.

Pretty. First and foremost, Star Trek Online is one of the prettiest games of this type I’ve ever experienced. From the standards of space to the random planets within continually generated systems, from the textured details on your infinitely customizable uniforms and player-created aliens (we’ll touch on that in a second) to the particle effects of space combat. Star Trek Online is, for lack of a better word, gorgeous. The only down side to this is that it sucks up a lot of processing power; something I think will hurt it a little in the long run given that Cryptic has to compete with World of Warcraft—the one MMO that seems to be designed to run on damn near any system with power. But if you’ve got a system that’ll keep up with it, STO is a spectacle to behold.

As for gameplay, well…

To start, Cryptic’s calling card customization is present and accounted for. This time, instead of using their engine to craft endless costume designs for super heroes and their nefarious counterparts, Cryptic has given the player to create and alien life! It would take me far longer than I’m willing to dedicate to this post to even scratch the surface of how deep this system goes; suffice to say, one could lose an entire day simply creating one’s avatar. From there, though, the customization spans into uniforms for your crew (also fully customizable!) and the ship you operate; for these, though, the choices are a bit more limited, though not by much!

Okay, so how’s the game actually play, you ask? Well, if you’ve ever played a game like this, the ground combat controls are fairly basic. There are some game-specific nuances that help ground you in the universe the game represents—and this is done well—but the meat of the controls are very basic. Space combat, on the other hand, is something of a stand-alone aspect of the game; which is good since it pretty much makes up a good 2/3rds of the gameplay. Ships control like one would think they should: different classes/sizes move at various speeds, boast class-appropriate shield/hull/weapon stats and are boast customizable (there’s that word again…sheesh) weapon loadouts and placements. But, above all, everything about it is Star Trek. From sounds to visuals, you have no doubt that you are in the world created by Roddenberry.

And that’s the thing I like most about it. I’ve played games that offer me a chance to live the life of a character inside a world I’ve only ever seen from the outside (-cough-Star Wars Galaxies-cough-) and this is the first one so far that lives up to its claims. From the very start, I felt like the captain of my own Federation starship.

Now, if only they would allow me to actually sit in the damn’ captain’s chair!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Oh, Hey, I Like Sports!

Hey, guys!
There seems to be a common misconception about me. It appears that most people (even those who know me) believe that I have absolutely no idea what sports are. Now, I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not exactly an avid fan of these so-called competitions and, as such, have very little knowledge outside of the basic rules for each of the sports I watch. And, make no mistake, I do watch sports...occasionally, heh. As it happens, I am a Chicago fan at heart; I love the Cubs, Bulls, and Bears (I leave out the Sox and Hawks because I'm a Cubs fan and I don't care much for hockey) but follow various other teams whenever my hometown doesn't make it past the regular season.
That said, I did watch the Super Bowl last night and, though the Bears were long since past the "well there's always next year" part of the season, I was prepared to enjoy the game, having picked the Colts to win based on a friend's unrelentless loyalty to Manning's team. And, y'know what, I did enjoy it. Though, in hindsight, I may have enjoyed it a little more had I chosen to stand behind the Saints, but, hey, what can you do? Besides, I'm still a little iffy on just how perfectly framed in the camera that final interception was...I mean, it was practically scripted. I'm just sayin'...
Well, aside from the come-out-of-nowhere destruction of the Colts, there wasn't much in the way of the usual entertainment for the evening's proceedings; i.e. Super Bowl commercials. With the exception of one or two (let's just go ahead and not count the E*Trade Baby as it would be unfair to put those gems in any category) the annually-anticipated line-up of humorous ads left a little to be desired. My personal favorite was the Doritos commercial with the little boy laying down the law--his 2 rules--for the guy dating his mother. Other than that, though, I didn't really spend a whole lot of time between plays laughing. Though, to be honest, I was glad to see that CBS had apparently opted out of showing the anti-abortion ad that caught some flak earlier this week when the aforementioned channel had turned down a gay dating service ad--a rather over-the-top skit about two opposing sports fans that culminates with a hilarious moment involving a third friend just off camera till the end.
Alright, well, that's all I have to say on the sports front. I didn't have any vested interest in the game as I'm not a "fan" of either team, so I don't have much to comment on the game itself. It was fun to watch right up until the last few minutes of the final quarter...and, then, well, even the Colts knew it was done.
In other "news," I beat Mass Effect 2 this weekend and simply can not recommend this game enough for anyone who has any sort of interest in a fantastic story set in a universe so deep and rich that one's head may explode were they to try and dissect any part of the creation process. Characters are so well fleshed-out that you actually form connections with them on a level I've never seen before; to the point that, should you make the wrong decisions in the end and any number of them dies during the dark third act, you may find yourself not just cursing the loss of a potentially potent party member but actually mourning the loss of a friend. A friend you've spent the last several days building and strengthening a bond of unbreakable loyalty. I actually felt a pang of guilt with every death, as if their lives were my responsibility; and, indeed, they were.
Of course, I then loaded up the last save and replayed the third act, making the right choices and, well, everyone survived. Ah, if only life were as easy as that, eh?
Now, I promised (several times) that I would do a complete review of the game upon completion. However, now that I've finished, I am of the opinion that to give a review of this game beyond what is said in the above paragraph is to do the game a disservice. It truly is an experience that is meant to be had on a personal level. Your choices mean something (well, sorta) and each playthrough is different--or different enough--for each player that the story you experience isn't necessarily the same one I did. Sure the overall plot is the same, but it's how you get through it that determines what you get out of it. Will you calmly explain to that merc that helping you is in his best interest and, thereby learning some details about the group that waits to blow you into the colorful clouds of the nearest nebula...or will you just say screw it and shove his stubborn ass through the window behind him? The choice is yours and it's one I implore you to make...Paragon or Renegade...so long as you make it.
On other, non-game-related fronts, my Neomyn project saw a huge bit of awesomeness this weekend when my long-time friend and some-time collaborator, Ruthie Collins agreed to take on the coloring duties (for those of you not keeping track, that leaves us with three total creators working on the project: I created story and wrote the script, Greg Woranchak is drawing and now Ruthie is coloring). A while back I'd asked her to do colors based on the flats--solid colors with no shadows or highlights--I'd laid out for her. This would have given the book that extra bit of polish that her trained and honed skill had over my meager self-taught talents. However, in the wake of our computer's recent death, Ruthie agreed to simply do it all from scratch. Ultimately, what this means is that she has agreed to taking a job that--under the previous agreement--would have taken her a few days to complete and willingly made it into one that'll take her about a month or so, depending on her infant daughter's desire to cooperate, heh. I am truly grateful for her help and now believe that Neomyn has the strongest chance it's had since conception to win the competition at Zuda.com!
To round out this week's blog, I wanted to give everyone an update of sorts on Jenn and the pregnancy. Getting her in to see the doctor is still proving to be a complicated process, but she should be in by the end of the month. From what we can tell--not being medically trained--is that she's well within the realms of what to expect in these early months. She almost immediately started to show--an adorable little bulge in her tiny little frame--and continues to develop outwardly as one might expect. She hasn't gotten throw-up-sick yet and we're both hoping she manages to dodge that altogether, though she is plagued with nearly constant indigestion and the standard discomfort and fatigue. We're both still ridin' the high of an expected pregnancy and very much look forward to welcoming the new addition to our newly forged family. Obviously it's too soon to know the sex, but we've recently taken to calling the baby Bean for various reasons--all of which fit.
Logan is excited when you ask him about it but, otherwise, I'm not sure he gets it entirely. He's not around constantly--as I share custody of him with his mother--and has never really be exposed to pregnancy in any real way. I'm sure when Bean starts getting big enough to show through Jenn's belly when she kicks, he'll start really getting it. And, of course, I have no doubts at all that he'll be totally in love with his new sibling (who he has expressed a hope for it being a boy named Matt) and that he'll want to spend as much time as possible with the little newb. Hopefully that is a desire we'll be able to make a reality soon enough.
That's about all I've got today, guys!
Later!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

SexBox and PorkStation?

Hey, guys!
In an effort to maintain my writing regularity (i.e. keep me writing as much as possible) I'm going to update this blog at least once a week. This means that I'm going to have to shift the focus from strictly reviews of gaming, movies, and books to a broader spectrum of my brain dribblings. Or, in other words, turn it into an actual blog.
So, first off, today, USA Today (which doesn't include the parental accounts of the situation like the other articles do) has recently reported that sexual predators have "officially" migrated from chat rooms to gaming. Which means, ultimately, that Chris Hansen is going to have to open an account on World of Warcraft or perhaps start an Xbox Live account (his gamertag could be iCatchPervs). The fact of the matter is that this isn't really "news" and the article--and the few others I've read like it--come off as yet another attack on gaming in general.
The sad truth of our world is that anywhere you have a group of people (predominantly between the ages of 10 and 30) you are going to have any number of perverts swimming through the anonymity like sharks...great whites with leather chaps and a giant rubber ball between their teeth. It's inevitable. But, that said, there are steps you can take as a parent to prevent the sort of devious activities these men (and I say men, because, let's face it, how many 10-year-old boys are going to complain about a hot chick sending them screen-caps of their "bewbz"? Shit, most of the time, their the one's asking) are looking to perform. The problem comes from the fact that most of these so-called parents are more worried about using their kid's gaming as a way of keeping their demon spawn out of the way. They'd rather buy their kid a nice LCD and an Xbox or a new PC and a WoW account and put them somewhere dark and forget about them and then run to the nearest camera crew when they walk in to tell them their mac & cheese is ready and see a giant cock on the screen than actually be proactive about preventing that kind of thing.
Now, I'll be honest, I'm guilty of using my Xbox and Wii as a babysitter once in a while. That said, though, I limit the amount of time my son holds a controller and, since he's six, he's never played anything online. But, when he does get old enough to engage in the teabag-fest that is online gaming, I will take those steps I mentioned to keep him from being exposed to that giant cock. Though, I am smart enough to know that he will be exposed to somethings I don't necessarily want him to be exposed to; he will see a naked woman far before he knows what to do with one. It happens. But, instead of running to a lawyer and news station and throwing all the blame at Microsoft of Blizzard, I'll make sure I've done everything I can to prepare him for it. I have faith in my ability to teach my children the difference between right and wrong and the dangers of believing every line of text from "MyJugzRNyce".
And, Logan, if they really are, you should share with Daddy.
Seriously, though, I find it hard to believe that there's a parent alive today who doesn't get the inherent "dangers" of allowing their children to partake in online gaming. I mean, hell, half of these people are probably the mom's and dad's responsible for that angry f-bomb dropping, prepubescent, racist asshole I run into every time I log on, anyway! Maybe instead of suing Xbox or whatever it is they want to get famous for, they should do what this kid's mom did. Your kid's not a saint, lady. I'm just sayin'...
Anyway, Mass Effect 2 is rapidly shaping up to be the greatest game of all time. Well, of course, that is strictly my opinion...which, of course, is the only one that matters here. :P
(in my best Magic Johnson voice) Naw, but seriously, though...it really is a fantastic game that improves 100% on what the first one started. The textures are far more detailed, the conversations are cinematic, even the side missions are improved (dropping you on a fully rendered world each time instead of shitting you onto yet another mountainous bland planet). Truth be told, this game is so good that it has shown me just how flawed the first one was. But, again, I'll do a full review when I'm done.
In other gaming news, IGN gave a review of MAG that pretty much mirrors my opinions of it. The game is nearly perfect; marred only by the fact that S.V.E.R. is ridiculously overpowered. Yet, the game's core mechanics are so good that I still have a blast even when that loading screen shows up and the Wolf's Head logo of S.V.E.R. is mocking me from the bottom right hand side of my screen. Sure we're going to get our asses handed to us, but that just makes every enemy kill that much more exhilarating! In fact, I experienced my first Zen Gaming Moment while playing against SVER (you guys don't need the periods, do you?):
I had managed to stay alive--ducking in and out from behind a deserted building near our spawn--long enough to run out of ammo for my AR. Not wanting to purposely die and give them the satisfaction of yet another kill, I switched to my practically useless sidearm and began taking potshots from my safe little corner. It was with this single-shot peashooter that I managed to wrack up my highest score against SVER to date and ended the match with 8 pistol kills and 3 AR kills. The game really is a lot of fun and, unlike when I played CoD:MW (1 not 2) and Halo's 2 and 3, I really don't care about losing so much as I do the next kill.
Again, if you have a PS3 and 60 buck to spend (and aren't busy being seduced by a over-weight 30-something from his mom's basement) then you need to pick up MAG and look for me. My PSN username is the same as my Xbox Live Gamertag: Neomyn
Well, that's pretty much it for today. More on Jennifer and the Bean when we get her to the doctor--a process that's been nothing short of complicated given her lack of insurance. But, she should be in by the end of the month. Also, I'm finally writing a novel and have finished the first chapter and part of the second as well as contacted a graphic designer to bang out some designs for me to work with. That, however, is all I'm going to say about it since it seems the more I talk about a project, the less I work on it.
So, for now...
Later!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Greatest Game Ever, Roadtrips, and Overpoered PMCs

What’s up, guys?

I’d like to start today’s blog off with the thought that is foremost in my brain since Tuesday….Mass Effect 2 is, hands down, the greatest game I’ve played on the Xbox 360—possibly ever. Now, I say this with the knowledge that I am biased to the universe that BioWare has created here; I’ve read both books and even downloaded the iPhone game. However, that said, I am 100% convinced that the second installment in the Shepard Trilogy will go on to win a handful of gaming awards this year. It’s that. Damn. Good.

Now, I’ll be honest, I’m only about 5 hours into the game and have spent a ridiculous amount of time just running around the new Normandy, so I won’t do a full review on it just yet. What I will say, though, is that, so far, BioWare is has improved on the first game ten-fold. From visual tweaks to full on gameplay overhauls, the ME team has crafted a product far superior to their first game. I’ll do a full review of this incredible story-driven game when I finish it…which could be a while—it’s 2 discs!

Okay, so now that’s out of the way, as most of you know, I took a trip to Texas with my fiancĂ© last week. The trip was Jennifer’s Christmas gift and was primarily for her to spend some time with her family; she hadn’t been “home” in roughly 2 ½ years and I wanted to do something special for her. So I packed my ass into my Jetta and drove roughly 1000 miles over roughly 28 hours (the trip itself only clocked in at around 18 but we stopped at a hotel around 1 am the first night) on my first roadtrip on which I was the “pilot.” The drive down there wasn’t so bad and I actually had a good time the whole way. While we were there we spent the week with her sister and her family—people I immediately felt comfortable around and look forward to calling family, myself—and on the last few days her folks and Granny drove over from their neck of the woods.

Most of my time was spent playing Dragon Age: Origins (the game I play between other, less-involved titles) and napping. Boring to you, yes, but I was on vacation and had no responsibilities beyond, well, being on vacation. So, yeah, I took full advantage of this. Of course, the whole trip wasn’t spent in Geek Mode. On the second full day there, Jenn and I were treated to the beach in Galveston—something this cornfed Midwestern boy always gets giddy over—and later in the week we were treated to dinner at one of those “cook the food in front of you” places (another first for me) and then Laser Tag and arcade. Both of these experiences were the kind of things that people do when they go on ”vacation” and I thoroughly enjoyed each of them and the company I was in.

On the night that Jenn’s parent’s came up, we convinced them to watch the kids and went to see The Book of Eli. Not one of Denzel Washington’s best performances, but from beginning to just before the credits, I enjoyed it. The story of a lone man on a personal mission to carry a special book from one side of a post apocalyptic country to the other, the movie does a really good job of painting the desolate world the human race has been forced to adapt to in the 30-something years since The Flash. People are scarce and humanity scarcer still, water and food are the dominant commodities and economy is back to trading goods rather than money buying them.

Denzel’s character—Eli, duh—is enigmatic at first, showing no discernible motivation beyond moving forward. There is one moment in which he comes across two travelers being attacked by bandits where you learn that he is, in fact, being guided by a specific goal and that this goal is the most important thing to him. He eventually comes across a town and more characters are introduced, the best of these being Gary Oldman’s character, Carnegie, who runs the settlement and seems to have an obsession with books (enter oh-so-subtle plot development) and is looking for one very specific book.

Well…you can see where this is going.

Overall, it’s not a specifically deep movie and the end revelations are rather predictable, the only exception being the specifics behind exactly why Carnegie wants this particular book. It makes for an interesting view on an age-old debate which I won’t get into here. The acting is—as expected—good, the cinematography is excellent and the small bit of action (most of which you see in the trailers) is well choreographed and isn’t overdone by any means. Personally, though, I think the story could have used a little more depth, but, unfortunately, the kind of depth I would like to have seen would be better suited for a novel. Though, ultimately, in a world brimming with remakes and the like, it was nice to see an original idea, albeit a slightly underdeveloped one.

So, all in all, I’d say the trip was a success. I got to know Jenn’s family, they got to spend some time with our favorite mother-to-be, and I was able to experience the fun of a roadtrip. I am happy to say that I can drive 20 hours straight (which we did on the way back, blarg) and that Jennifer was quite the trooper in her desire to keep bathroom breaks to a minimum; especially given her current state!

Okay, one last thing before I go…

Along with Mass Effect 2, I was able to purchase the retail version of MAG and, last night, was able to get a few games in. So far, overall, the final version of the game is basically what I’d experienced with the Beta. That is, with one minor exception…

Apparently, during the beta period, Zipper Interactive was convinced that the “terrorist-like” PMC known as S.V.E.R. was underplayed. There simply weren’t as many people interested in playing this particular group as there were for the other two. As a result, they seemingly offered special equipment for S.V.E.R.—and only them—with pre-ordered copies of the game. Now, normally, I’d have to tip my hat at this attempt to draw attention to an obviously underappreciated aspect of the game, thus helping to spread the player base out a little more. However…and that’s a big damned however…Zipper apparently got a little overzealous with their free goodies. Now, instead of spreading the player-base out a little, they flooded most of it into one and gave them weapons and gear that tips the balance of the game unfairly in S.V.E.R.’s favor.

Under normal circumstances, with a game I know is solid, I would attribute my being on the losing end of a stand-off to my lesser skill. I love playing FPS’s, but I’m not especially awesome at them—I tend to get a little jumpy, thus throwing off my aim just enough to give the other guy a slight advantage. But, this isn’t the case here. I played the beta and was relatively good at it—I was no Lord Nolan, but I held my own—but here, in this post-pre-order world, I can come around a corner, get the drop on a S.V.E.R. soldier and still get smoked after emptying a clip into his center mass. One or two times and I’d have written it off as needing to improve or a difference in levels between combatants. But it’s not just once or twice…it’s every damn time! And it’s not just stand-up fights, either. More than once I’ve sent two or three consecutive sniper rounds into a S.V.E.R. soldier’s brainpan with little to no effect aside from drawing their attention…at which point I’m often killed by his assault rifle from the games equivalent of a long fucking ways away!

This broken balance hasn’t killed the game for me since I don’t really care about losing as long as I get a kill here and there. My only options would be to jump ship and join S.V.E.R.—which simply isn’t going to happen—stop playing the game, or just bail out of a game if I’m matched against the big S. This latter option is, in fact, what Nolan and I took to doing the other night. I can’t fathom giving the game up, simply because, when we’re playing against Valor (the remaining PMC other than my own) I have a shitload of fun. We don’t always win, but the fights are close enough that I feel it was skill and better teamwork that got them the win.

Oh, well. For now I guess we’ll just stick it out and hope that Zipper gets tired of the emailed complaints and forum trolling and just fixes their mistake.

Well, that’s about it for me today. I’m going to finish out my shift, go home, play some Mass Effect 2 and then break in the brand new bed (which was delivered while writing this)!

Later!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

MAG-nificent Review

Okay, yeah, so the name's lame. But I thought it was funny...and I'm the one writing this, so there!
Alright, anyway, let me start out by making it a point to note that I have yet to play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 online. Thus, whenever I compare MAG (the game I'm reviewing here, in case the oh-so-clever title didn't inform you) to "Call" it is the first CoD:MW. Of course, I've read a lot of reviews and watched a handful of videos about the second installment of the MW series and may level my experience with that. But, in doing so, I'll reitterate that this is speculation.
Okay...here we go!
Earlier this week I had the pleasure to download and partake in the Open Beta for Zipper Interactive's new Playstation 3-exclusive First Person Shooter, MAG. While I have no idea what the name of the game means--is it an acronym for something or just the common use of "mag" for "magazine"--but what I do know is that the game's story revolves around a near-future Shadow War being fought by three Private Military Company's (Valor, S.V.E.R., and Raven). Each PMC represents an area of the world (not simple countries, but a coalition of existing powers) and the player is tasked with joining one and taking up the offered arms. From here you create a character and customize loadouts then head out into one of the gametypes offered to your current level; the beta only had one gametype available while I was playing it, but allows you to take a look at the others. There is promised 264-player combat and, though I'm not sure how that is going to work out, during my time with the game, the mode offered sported 64 players and ran silky smooth.
Now, let's dive into the meat of the game: Gameplay.
From the second my digital boots hit the dirt to the time I was comfortable with the controls--which I opted to learn via fumbling around like an idiot ingame--took less than one game. I'd say I had a handle on the controls within 5-10 minutes. The game is an FPS so all the basics--run, strafe, shoot, zoom, weapon/item swap and usage--were there and easily mastered. Shoot and zoom are handled by L1 and R1, respectively, while switching items or weapons are done by tapping L2 and R2. Given that I prefer the Xbox controller, which uses the trigger/shoulder bumper system, over the PS3 controller, I was a little leery about the "trigger" set-up. However, by the end of my second game I had assimilated the layout and was using it naturally. Another aspect of the PS3 controller I am generally put off by are the thumbsticks and their side-by-side position on the controller; n my opinion, the concave layout of the Xbox's thumbsticks is simply more natural and easier on your hands. That said, I didn't really experience any of the cramping I used to with the DualShock controller. This could be attributed to the fact that I've spent a lot more time with my PS3 in the last year and may have conditioned my thumbs to the controller's shape. Either way, I had no problem playing for multiple hours at a time.
The core aspect of MAG's gameplay is skill progression and customization. Players earn experience through objective-based goals or actions during gameplay. Now, I'm not totally familiar with every detail with the leveling system, but my time with the game revealed the following: Players earn 5 xp per kill, 3 xp per Assist (typically done by losing a stand-off with another player and then being rewarded when a teammate steps in and finishes the job for you), 10 xp for reviving a downed player (something only Medic-spec'd players can do), and you lose 5 xp for teamkilling a fellow soldier. As a whole, I am happy with this system; I think, for the most part, it's fair and offers a nice reward/penalty balance. Of course, that isn't to say I don't think there isn't room for improvement; specifically with the Medic. When a player is reduced to 0 health, they are incapacitated and on a timer (much like Gears of War), thus giving a player who has allocated Skill Points in the Medic skills time to come over and revive them. As I said, the medic player is awarded 10 points for every time this occurs--a fair amount for risking one's life--but the player who was just revived is given nothing but a second chance with half their full health. Under normal circumstances I would totally agree with this system. The problem, however, comes in two flavors: 1. TeamKilling a player just to run over and revive them for free 5 xp (10 for the revive -5 for the TK) and 2. Most of the Medics I dealt with refuse to clear an area of enemies and simply run up, revive you, and dart back into hiding--this allows the guy who killed you to rack up xp and murder your Kill-Death Ratio (for those of us who take pride in such things) as he simply stands by and shoots you again in that frantic few seconds after you're revived. Kill-Heal-Kill, repeat.
There isn't a whole lot I could suggest to fix this, other than to give the player who is being revived some compensation for allowing himself to be revived instead of simply hitting X and Bleeding Out. If I'm going to risk my own score so that you can rack up the xp by continuously healing the wounds I sustain from the same asshole's gun, then I should be compensated accordingly. Right?
All that aside, though, MAG is simply fun as hell. The gametype available is simple in terms of objectives, but can drag out to the entire length of the match or end within 5 minutes based on how good your team works together; plus, parachuting into the battlefield (which is how you respawn once Objective C is unlocked) is unbelievably fun! I never once experienced an unfair disadvantage because another player was exploiting some glitch or taking advantage of some overlooked loadout which totally sodomizes the game's ballance. I had one or two issues with people just being dicks in general (one guy started shooting at the same enemy soldier at the same time and, since I got a headshot and scored the kill, he turned and knifed me in the face) but this sort of thing you can't avoid. When that many people, of that diverse an age-range, go to war, you're going to come up against (or play with) the occasional asshat. But, in the 8+ hours I spent playing MAG (accumulated, btw), I never once got frustrated or angry. I had fun. That's almost unheard of in online multiplayer of this sort, anymore.
My final thought on the game is this...
MAG is a war simulator, plain and simple. It forces players to think tactically and approach each match with the goals in mind and utilize their team's cooperation. Other games may have War in the title, but never once, did I feel like I was a soldier in the conflict talked about on the box. Instead, these games almost always devolve into a pissing contest to see who can get the most kills in each match...and, unfortunately, the one's who do, usually augment their "skills" with exploits or system mods. I'm not saying that this won't eventually happen with MAG, but so far, that stuff is just not there.
For anyone who has a PS3, I highly recommend this game. If you don't have a PS3...well...enjoy Call for as long as you can, I guess. My thinking is that a lot of players are going to migrate.
Later!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Insipid Samurai

Hey, guys!

Okay, so it’s no secret that I love samurai. That said, it’s easy to assume that I’m a fan of most things featuring samurai in one form or another. From the classics like The Seven Samurai to some more obscure things like the Onimusha series. If it’s got samurai in it, chances are I’ll give it a chance. So, in that respect, when I got a whiff of the Way of the Samurai series several years ago—I think a little over 4 years now…maybe more—it’s obvious I was excited.

Here was a game that allowed me to take on the role of a wayward Ronin—masterless samurai—and choose to help the people of a village in need of a hero or take over the gang of bandits and reek havoc on the dingy citizens as I saw fit…or I could simply pass the village by and legitimately end the game in 10 seconds. I, being the paragon that I am when it comes to gaming, always choose to help those in need. And, from that point forward it was an amazing romp through the fictional life of a Ronin. I loved it.

So, when it was announced that WotS3 was on its way, I was stoked. It was one of the highest games on my list of “must haves” for October this year. But, sadly, as the game’s release drew nearer and more reviews were surfacing, the edge on the sword that was my fervor began to dull. It seemed that this latest installment in an otherwise inspired series was somewhat lacking. All the key elements were there, but the meat was a little on the lean side. After reading the last average scored review, I decided that I’d throw it on my GameFly list and wait to play it when I got around to it.

Well, last week I received the notice that the game was on its way and, low and behold, my excitement shot right back up to its original zest. I was pumped.

Then it showed up.

And I put it in the Xbox…

And was sorely disappointed.

It’s not that the game is totally horrible. It’s just that I can’t seem to figure out how to find the parts that aren’t. First off, let me tell you that, should you choose to play this game, you need to speak to a minstrel (the little old dudes with the string instrument—Biwa—found in every major area) and get him to play a song. This isn’t really made readily apparent at first and, thus, I found myself creating my character from scratch on three separate occasions. That is to say, three times from not saving; if you die, you can load from a previous save or start over with any experience, yen and weapons accrued in your previous playthrough.

As for the game itself, there are definitely a lot of great ideas here. The core concept of the game—the reason I was drawn to the series—is present but, for me at least, felt more like an inspiration than an actual element of the gameplay. From what I could tell there is little in the way of story to be found and what snippets I did experience, were few and far between and made little to no sense to me. When you start the game, your character awakens—after a brief cutscene where you pass out in front of a couple of battlefield looters—in a small home in a village. When you exit the home you are greeted by a mean old man (presumably the owner of the home) and can actually accidentally skip the whole encounter and not be able to go back, thus having no idea what the hell is going on—not that the encounter really gives you much to go on in the first place.

The accidental skipping involves a system in which every major conversation can be interrupted by one of two choices: throwing yourself to the ground and groveling or drawing your weapon. The former usually has you kneel like an idiot and then get up and walk away, completely skipping the conversation and erasing any chance of repeating it. The latter…well…you can imagine what might happen there. This is a cool system in theory, but with no explanation as to what you’re doing or what the consequences are it can make for an irritating trial and error learning curve.

The gameplay itself, from what I can gather, revolves mostly around doing odd jobs for the people in and around the major areas of the world. The starting village offered only two that I found. One was a completely incompetent housewife who has apparently lost ever single sharp object in her kitchen and wants you to cut vegetables for her. A simple enough task and, really, kind of expected given the type of game you’re playing. However, the “mission” consists basically of you standing on one side of the screen and the woman kneeling on the other. She then proceeds to throw shit at you! And it’s not just veggies, people! I don’t know if she was just completely nuts or what, but the bitch starts tossing furniture at you like it’s no big deal. So, now you’re dodging wooden lamps and the like while trying to chop this dumb woman’s produce. Okay. But does she throw them in any kind of rhythm? Hell no. She gets clever and mixes up the pace randomly. I don’t know about you, but if someone wanted me to do them a favor and then tried to bludgeon me and, barring that, went out of their way to make said favor unnecessarily difficult, I’d toss up a finger and walk the hell away. And slap her kids on the way out just for spite.

The second “task giver,” if you will, was a perverted old lady who is apparently just this side of delusional. To “earn her trust” (to what end I never gathered) she gives you tasks that she feels are menial and, in reality, are ridiculously difficult or just so…fucking weird…that it wasn’t long before I wished for the stupid housewife’s flying produce. The first task I was sent on was a mission to locate this crazy old broad’s Lucky Underwear. I’m not even kidding here. It seems that she takes this pair of sacred panties with her wherever she goes—why she doesn’t wear them, I’m not sure I want to know—and she has misplaced them on one of her many walks. Okay, so you’re being sent on your standard early-game fetch mission. Got it. But why the hell are you hunting down an old lady’s underoos?!?! I mean, I understand that this is a Japanese game and, well, the Japanese culture is, by and large, far stranger when it comes to this type of humor, but come on! The task itself isn’t all that difficult. You run out, find the old granny’s panties and you bring them back. The problem is, apparently they smell like fish or something because once you have them, you are instantly the object of desire for the crows that inhabit the area in which the underwear is found. Like moths to a flame, the little feathery bastards chase you around and try to steal the garment. Again, I ask…why?

The second of the three tasks she gave me was to push her around. She’s old—duh—and doesn’t have the energy to walk down the friggin’ road from where she is and stand on the bridge overlooking the creek she’s already standing next to! Okay, gently push the old nut few yards down the road. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. So very…very…wrong. First off, the designers made the controls for movement roughly two speeds, standing still and sprinting like a maniac. Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with movement being sped up in a game where I have to walk everywhere. But when you want me to push an old lady without pissing her off by being too rough, give me an option to toggle a walk mode, eh? Or, at the very least, allow me to grab onto her or pick her up. No, what you have here is the equivilant of pushing a chair covered with bacon grease! There doesn’t seem to be any point of contact that will last more than an inch before you slip off and start running past her. It’s unbelievable, really.

But! That’s right…BUT!

As annoying as that task was, she isn’t through! It seems that three of the village’s children like to run away once in a while and you—the nameless stranger with a sword—are the best possible option for finding them and bringing them home. Okay, okay, okay…no. That’s just too much for me. The lady just fucking met you and she wants you to find the kids who ran away?! You were dragged off a battlefield and no one knows if you’re a bloodthirsty murderer or amnesiac pedophile! I mean, c’mon! You willingly went on a mission to find her panties! That, in my mind, does not a good babysitter, make! But, okay, it is a game, after all so let’s take the job. The three children are hiding randomly in one of the major areas and you have to talk to them one at a time and get all three to follow you before the mission’s over. The problem, though, is that if you bump one of them (which is easy to do given the aforementioned movement control) the little bastard then spends the rest of the mission kicking the shit out of your shins.

Now, this would be a little funny if it didn’t take a decent sized chunk of your life away as well as make it irritatingly difficult to speak to the other children since every kick knocks you out of the conversation! By the end of this mission I found myself running from a 6-year-old just to talk to his friends and keep from pulling my sword and taking that little foot right the fuck off! By and by, not a fun mission. Not a fun mission at all!

Well, that about covers the milk and honey of what I played of the game. The bulk of the filler gameplay, if you will. So, what about the combat? Nearly non-existent if you don’t want to murder everyone in sight. Yes, you can fight pretty much anyone, but unless you do something untoward around them or attack them directly, no one wants to fight you. I spent roughly 3 or so hours with this game all said and done and got into maybe 5 fights. For a game about a wandering warrior, this seems a might on the weak side. One of those fights is pretty much necessary when you leave the mean old guy’s land—unless you want to help the thugs picking on a woman right outside the gate—and serves mainly as a way to get a feel for the fighting. Which, by the way, is relatively straightforward: A to jump, X for weak attack, Y for strong attack and right bumper for block. Other than that, your options are to attack with the lethal side of the weapon (be it sword or staff) or flip it and use the blunt side. Using the blunt side inspires some interesting dialogue from your foes while the lethal side offers a chance to Quick Kill your opponent which, in this case, is an homage to how most sword duels played out. It wasn’t always a lengthy volley of blades, but, rather, a contest of who could unsheathe their sword first.

The second of my small list of fights was the result of the way a conversation played out and was actually rather cool in that respect. The fight itself was short and felt as if I had murdered the man. But, hey, I don’t think butterflies are the most beautiful thing in the world, what can I say? The next fight was Butterfly Guy’s friends (another cool aspect of the game’s ability to track who you’ve killed) and the last two were random encounters with a Killer and the daughter of some samurai I supposedly killed in battle.

Both of those, sadly, ended in my untimely demise.

Hey…that chick could handle a sword!

The last death was, unfortunately, the last time I played the game. Quite simply, it bored the hell out of me. It’s just not interesting. There are a lot of solid ideas and the pieces for a great game, sure. But they were put together by a monkey with Down Syndrome…and, judging by the PS2-quality graphics, that monkey was blind as well.

Poor monkey…someone should get him a better job.

Meanwhile, I’ll play some more MAG and forget about being a samurai.

For now…